• Flying Squid@lemmy.world
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    25 days ago

    I’ll never forget the time I convinced myself that I was gay. I was eight or nine, maybe younger, and I stumbled upon a broadcast by some fire-and-brimstone preacher. The man spoke about the evils of homosexuals, how they had infiltrated our society, and how they were all destined for hell absent some serious repenting. At the time, the only thing I knew about gay men was that they preferred men to women. This described me perfectly: I disliked girls, and my best friend in the world was my buddy Bill. Oh no, I’m going to hell."

    He addressed his feelings with his grandmother (affectionately known as “Mamaw”) who answered him in curiously salty language, considering she was speaking to a child.

    “Don’t be a fucking idiot, how would you know that you’re gay?” she asked him.

    When Vance explained his reasoning, she laughed.

    “JD, do you want to suck dicks?” she said, according to the book.

    The young Vance, apparently “flabbergasted,” said: “Of course not!”

    “Then you’re not gay. And even if you did want to suck dicks, that would be okay,” she replied. “God would still love you.”

    This is not like the couch-fucking thing. This really is in Hillbilly Elegy.

    https://www.edgemedianetwork.com/story/334415

    • athairmor@lemmy.world
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      25 days ago

      Yeah, I didn’t think he was gay until he, unprovoked, felt the need to assert that he’s not gay. 🤔

      • AngryCommieKender@lemmy.world
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        24 days ago

        Exactly. The last time I felt it necessary to clarify my sexuality, it was because some girl asked me if I would be good to take with her for clothes shopping. I replied that “while I am actually an excellent shopping companion, because I will find stuff that looks great on you, that you overlooked, to answer the question you very pointedly didn’t ask, no I’m not gay.”

        The look on her face was, as MasterCard says, priceless. She was shocked that I knew what she was asking, and that I wasn’t at all offended. I think it was all the theater, choir, and swim team in high school, but I have pinged people’s gaydar since middle school, and I couldn’t care less, now that I’m big enough that they don’t bully me physically for it.

  • Burn_The_Right@lemmy.world
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    24 days ago

    “I’m straight as an arrow. In fact I like to go to Hooters for lunch with my man Lindsay. Right, Lindsay? Mr. Graham likes the thick ladies, but I like them thin… Right, Lindsay!!! Tell 'em how much we like the ladies!”

    • Flocklesscrow@lemm.ee
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      24 days ago

      Gay? I wish. Do you know how many problems that would solve for me?

      Hetero white conservatives have been living in a bubble for so long they literally cannot conceive that other people are…not like them. That’s it. The bar is so, so low.

  • Dogiedog64@lemmy.world
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    24 days ago

    So he’s a heavily closeted Republican bigot who’s secretly hyper-gay and hates himself for it? Cool, I guess.

  • captainlezbian@lemmy.world
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    24 days ago

    “I really need you to understand that while I am mugging you, I don’t enjoy onions. I think it’s very important you don’t judge me as someone who could enjoy onions. Now hand over the damn wallet or I kill your wife”

  • peopleproblems@lemmy.world
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    24 days ago

    You know, for a guy that literally only got where he is because he can convince people that a pile of shit with a sheet over it is clean, he’s really bad at convincing everyone he’s straight.

    • Billiam@lemmy.world
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      24 days ago

      he’s really bad at convincing everyone he’s straight.

      I mean, it’s no “Josh Hawley kissing his wife” levels of bad.

      • Burn_The_Right@lemmy.world
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        24 days ago

        “Goddammit, Brad, you better have gotten that on camera ‘cause I’m not doin’ it a second time. You are dismissed, woman.”

      • pyre@lemmy.world
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        24 days ago

        oh my god he looks like he’s gonna throw up. kinda explains his skippy skip on jan6

    • ArcticPrincess@lemmy.world
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      24 days ago

      In places with high rates of intra-male violence—most of the world throughout most of history—your reputation for masculinity protects you from opportunistic attacks. Being perceived as gay can undermine that reputation.

    • DJDarren@thelemmy.club
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      24 days ago

      I have rainbow laces in my work boots and a rainbow lanyard for my office pass. Pretty sure the guys at work think I’m bi at the very least because they know I’m married to a woman.

      Funny thing is, I kinda am. Fucked if I’m actually telling any of those cunts though.

    • Masta_Chief@lemmy.world
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      24 days ago

      This has the most legendary cameo at the end for the punchline.

      Never Stop Never Stopping is super underrated. Can’t believe it’s already 8 years old.

  • myusernameis@lemmy.ca
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    24 days ago

    I mean, good. We don’t want him.

    Also,

    but I’ve heard this from gay friends of mine…

    Doubt.

  • billwashere@lemmy.world
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    24 days ago

    I have never really had the desire or the need to prove I was not gay to anyone. Ok well maybe my wife but that’s it.