The only time I’ve ever really felt suicidal was when I was on antidepressants. Then it was more just feeling insignificant, like one of a bajillion people on the Earth and if I die that’s just part of the natural turnover. I’m impulsive and quick to anger, so I know that I can’t own a gun. I have a lot of thoughts of destruction that i try to keep in check - holding a stack of plates at a friend’s house and want to drop them, what if I put my wedding ring in the garbage disposal, If there’s a car stopped on a bridge and I hit it will it go over, I’m afraid of heights because I want to push. When I was a kid, the thing I first noticed was sometimes wishing for bad things to happen- and that’s what I now think of as self-sabotage. Is it worse to have a car accident or go to work? If I get a letter from the IRS, am I more excited if it’s a check or a bill? Either way, if I throw it away, will they send another?
Never went to the doc for it. It’s just the stuff that rolls around in my head.
Does my comment above sound familiar?
The only time I’ve ever really felt suicidal was when I was on antidepressants. Then it was more just feeling insignificant, like one of a bajillion people on the Earth and if I die that’s just part of the natural turnover. I’m impulsive and quick to anger, so I know that I can’t own a gun. I have a lot of thoughts of destruction that i try to keep in check - holding a stack of plates at a friend’s house and want to drop them, what if I put my wedding ring in the garbage disposal, If there’s a car stopped on a bridge and I hit it will it go over, I’m afraid of heights because I want to push. When I was a kid, the thing I first noticed was sometimes wishing for bad things to happen- and that’s what I now think of as self-sabotage. Is it worse to have a car accident or go to work? If I get a letter from the IRS, am I more excited if it’s a check or a bill? Either way, if I throw it away, will they send another?