That’s incredibly grim and it disturbs me - whilst I do (kind of) see where you’re coming from. I’m not gonna try and give you counselling or advice. I’m neither qualified nor know anything much about you to do that. I sincerely hope that in a decade or so a happier you looks back on the immediate future (as it is now) and just takes a deep breath and puts it down to another blip in humanity’s long and winding road. That would be nice.