C’mere you 🩷

Hey thanks for saying that. I was thinking of maybe joining a therapeutic riding volunteering place cause I noticed that there tends to be a lot more girls there and I might be wrong could be a wrong assumption but hey at least I’ll be able to ride on a horse on to the sunset lol.

Well one thing is that with friends they can come and go a lot more often than romantic relationships. The other thing when it comes to romantic relationships is where you feel a connection which is special and it’s not like spark but more so a level of comfort. A more important aspect that differentiates between friendships and romantic relationships is the vulnerability it offers for men like me but hear me out it’s that men cannot feel the same vulnerability with friends even if you’re the closest heart-to-heart level I’m talking but with relationships it’s just you don’t feel the need to hide things. Sex is the obvious difference lol but that’s like the last thing I’m interested in cause that’s like when we’re the most vulnerable. I mean this is the best I could come up with what makes friendships and romantic relationships separate.

I guess my type of woman (well looks like wise white American) is someone who’s just kind and caring also who’s more extroverted tbh. I mean I do like someone who takes care of themselves (I’m trying to do that just ya know struggling but not like I gave up on it) and someone who wants a long term relationship that will lead to marriage.

Basically my type is someone who shares the same western ideals as I do (I grew up Muslim but not anymore and I’m brown as well) and someone who’s liberal I guess if that helps.

Quite a lot actually, its just that friendships are not really an issue for me but more so like romance I guess. I feel like I can’t for the life me flirt or anything that’ll convey that I am romantically interested without scarring them off or just get friend zoned (friend zoned is not a bad thing for me I am more than happy to have more friends in life). Its just you know it feels like you’re in stuck under a glass ceiling that you can just can’t break is what I feel about dating in general.

If that’s the case then that makes sense. Its just that if I stop going out there, I said in my other comment that no one will come to be or I’m just you know alone but not in a good way. There is nothing wrong with being alone but for me its that my family is really forcing me to get married to someone they like and things I value are very different from what the girl my family wants me to marry. I know its fucked up but here we are.

I am like 5’10 and I am almost 200lbs so I am pretty overweight and last time I checked my BMI. I was like tipping on the edge of obese but here’s the thing, I don’t have like fat legs or anything, its just my stomach that’s like fat where its showing the fat the most. I choose to be a software engineer, for approaching women, I tend to ask them more so in settings of shared interests. Like I’d ask questions about them and the things they like where I’d relate to things they said. I tend to be a very curious person so I’d really like to know them in general like their interests and about them in general. I am not really talkative irl and I feel that I am pretty boring because I can be pretty quiet because I am listening to them more which I like to do and its hard to keep the conversation going when you run of stuff to talk about. I don’t talk for the sake of talking but to really you know get to know of them i guess if that provides you with enough info about what am I doing

For me its the latter cause its hard to find like-minded people and to keep it going. Life is already hard for a lotta people so friendships suffer so does dating as well cause that’s the easiest as people would let it take the backseat.

Okay, well here’s the alternative. This is something I don’t expect anyone to understand but its okay. My parents and my family in general are very very conservative (basically I grew up Muslim) and I am not a practicing Muslim anymore because my values don’t align with each other. So its just me now even though I do talk to my family and everything where we keep everything cordial. Its just that they’re forcing me to marry someone of my ethnicity with someone who THEY like not me. I know the obvious for some is to stand your ground to which I do and every time they talk about my marriage I do stand my ground. It sounds as a man like yay I don’t have make so much effort just to get married or anything but for me I care about my values more. I am very left-wing and liberal also pretty much westernized as I felt at home more in the US that I ever did in my life tbh.

This is why I am just so stressed about marriage and dating too. Cause if I did find someone, at least my family could back off and they’ll realize that I have my own life here and there’s nothing they can do so they’ll accept it. But right now they know that I am trying to date an American woman who I get along much more its just me idk and they’re trying to stop that by getting me married to someone they so I can conform to their liking and to the culture I grew up hating so much because I felt like an outsider tbh.

Thanks man, I appreciate you saying that.

Yeah I am being way too hard on myself as my other comment replies show me that. I’m happy to hear that you’ve made it (gives me some hope lol) and I agree that the journey of self-improvement is thankless. I do have a good of friends that I can rely on its just making this post here can help me hear this or even read this when I’m feeling down. I know that having a partner isn’t something necessary to make me happy. I guess for me its just I am very prone to making comparisons to everyone else and how I am an immigrant to the US has skewed my perception even more so it just you know hits harder I guess when I am unconsciously making comparisons.

Thanks for saying that, I appreciate you highlighting the positives of me. You’re right when it comes to confidence, its just that I do hard things that people don’t do because its just I wanted to prove that I am worthy for love and relationships. I do try to work on my confidence my trying to validate myself internally (that’s why I have like positive affirmations notes with me all times and Marcus Aurelius famous quote of you having power over your mind).

Its still a work in progress but its just I crave for love so much and honestly this is something I just can’t help but blame my own weight because women tend to like slimmer men even if there are women who like chubbier or even don’t care about your weight. But the reality has been in my experience been that they do prefer men who are athletic or at least who look good but when you’re not that its been a vicious cycle for me where to cope for rejection I’d just turn to eating more as a coping mechanism or a stress reliever. I do hope that women are more open minded and I do hope I am wrong about that. Again, thanks for your comment I appreciate you saying that.

Yeah, I see what you’re saying. Its just that the reason why I’ve said as a man is because both men and women live their lives so differently like in terms of dating (I am generalizing here and I could be wrong), women tend to get approached often by men so they sometimes don’t have to do much except for filtering out the men who just want sex versus the one who they want long-term wise. For men, they tend to have to make the first approach often in order for them to get noticed.

I’m saying this generally and yeah its just this is also just me I do think of women as friends first cause I want to also so see how whether or not our values align together or not. Women are people too I realize that, its just hard when a lot of other men are doing the same thing and its hard not to feel behind in this rat race lol even tho it isn’t but sometimes it feels like it when there is someone you’re interested in and they like someone else or that they’re not looking to date or anything. Sorry for the rambling its just I’m frustrated with it and if I feel like I stop looking for someone, no one is going to come to me if that makes sense and I’m just you know alone with my thoughts.

Your son is so cute and your cat as well! This is something I’ve always wanted, a family of my own even with how difficult it can be raise a child and everything. Idk there is something fulfilling for me when it comes to family but I really appreciate you sharing that and your advice as well

I agree with that statement, I’ve been going to my family’s place every weekend just for that to learn to cook with my mom lol at this age

No you’re fine, I appreciate what you’re trying to tell me and I definitely will try to follow what you’ve said. I’m curious though as how would you try to watch your diet? I have a really really bad food control cause food has been my stress reliever and how can one be consistent in having smaller portions? Like for me, I tried to really eat a smaller portion but its just that I end eating bigger portions because idk I feel depressed and I’d just be thinking of the food more than the goals I’d like to achieve if that makes sense

I agree, it is definitely skewing how I perceive the age vs relationship when I see a lot of people who’ve been in relationships multiple times before they hit 25 when I moved to the US when I was like 19. Other things that could be skewing how I perceive is how I think I look which is another reason why I am trying to lose weight as well. Thank you for your reply tho, I really appreciate it.

Thanks for responding to my post! It’s just that, I come from an immigrant background and I never really had the chance to date tbh. It’s just my thinking is that the longer it’ll take to find someone the more likely I’ll be seen as a walking red flag. Sure I’ll hopefully be in a good position career wise, great social life but never having had dated anyone isn’t a good look. It’s just in my experience a lot of people brushed me off cause of that so it just makes me feel trapped I guess. That’s why I felt that it’ll be too late.

There is another thing I want to mention is like how do people find dates? I don’t wanna sound like I’m whining or anything but dating apps never worked for me so I was wondering like how do you meet your potential dates in-person like at bars? Sorry if it sounds dumb but I’ve had a hard time with that so I thought why don’t I would just genuinely ask about it?

Thank you for giving a clear and concise answer! We appreciate your hard work you’ve put into Lemmy!