Yeah, for the most part. I’m working towards my dreams and they feel within reach even though I know the path there is both long and arduous. It will require a lot of me, but that is more due to what my dreams are than any circumstances around me.
How it happened is of course a hard question to answer. In some ways, perhaps many ways, dumb luck, I met my wife in an unlikely place and she has built me up brick by brick over many years by now. Without her it’s hard to imagine I’d, we’d, be in such a good place all around.
But that isn’t really helpful, focusing on the parts I had no and have no control over. If we instead look only on my actions I think there are a few but more importantly a few key insights that helped me:
Actions:
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Fake it till you make it. Confidence is all important in our society, if you don’t have it naturally then you need to fake it. Over time it becomes second nature.
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Take care of yourself, first. Like they say in the preflight security rundown, put on your own mask first before you attempt to help others.
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Take responsibility for your own well being. Related to the one above but this is more on the emotional level, while external factors will of course impact your well being you don’t have direct control over them. You can’t expect anyone else you make you feel good/well so you need to shoulder that burden.
Insights:
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You rely on society and it relies on you: while work sucks and is often times completely meaningless and seemingly detrimental to the world from a long term macro perspective it’s still the case that your dream life involves amenities and comforts that require people to work. And you can’t expect that of others unless you yourself put in the same effort.
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You aren’t in control and you never truly will be: while this might be a hard pill to swallow you need to make peace with the fact that you could get cancer the day you reach your ultimate goal and that’s just part of this reality. You can only impact your actions and improve your chances, you can’t guarantee shit. Celebrate your victories no matter the source of them and learn from your own mistakes but don’t let external circumstances crush you.
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Life just isn’t far: relates to the above. Some people smoke and drink and do copious amounts of drugs are still wildly successful and rich and live to 100. Some work their asses off, are the nicest people ever, live clean and healthy and then die in cancer in their 30s with two young children left behind. Dwelling on this solves nothing. It’s just a part of our reality and isn’t really meaningfully changed or impacted by politics.
Those are my two cents
EDIT:
Hmm, I skipped something that might be super obvious but I shouldn’t assume:
Action:
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Smile and the world smiles at you: not in the sense that you’re guaranteed or owed a smile but rather that being kind and putting out good vibes makes life smoother and happier for us all. This is not to say that we should accept bad things of course, but make sure to reduce the collateral damage of your negative emotions and feelings, think surgical strike on a specific, deserving, target and not carpet bombing everything and everyone.
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You need friends, or at the very least someone to talk to: Ties in to the above in that if you don’t dump your negative emotions on the world then we’re do you dump it? Because carrying that shit around or just eating the bad emotions yourself is not a viable approach. No, you need to have people to vent to/with. Be that your partner, friends, family or a professional. This goes for all bullshit like getting sick and missing an event you’ve looked forward to and had tickets to for months. Or being passed up for a promotion in favor of Kenny who by all metrics does a worse job than you. You need to vent that shit out because being in a shitty mood and making everyone else uncomfortable is not going to make your life any better or happier.
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I think I’m on my way to happiness.
I finally left my abusive wife this week. It was really scary, and she keeps sending me threats (to take me for child support and ruin my life) but I was able to get ahold if a crisis center for abused people, thankfully they have support for men. The crisis center is going to help me tackle all the debt she’s put me in and get me into an apartment that will have room for me and my kids!
Yesterday for the first time in 14 years, I was completely free. I just drove around town. I went and got an ice cream cone, and I got a Mexican Pizza from taco bell, and nobody insulted me, put me down, or made me feel worthless. I got a glimpse of me and I really miss that guy. I used to have the nick name smiley because I always walked around with a shit eating grin on my face because I love life and I love my job, but she’s worn away at me lately.
I might be homeless technically, but I have a safe space until I can get on my feet. I get my kids tonight, we’re going to have a pizza party and play Mario Kart together. I think everything is going to be fine soon…
Hugs
I’m doing it!
The crysis center already has an apartment for me. They’re going to pay first months rent and deposit, I can even have my cats with me!
Since I left my wife, I’ve been saving sooooo much money. I know how to cook on a budget, the kids aren’t picky, and I’m not wasting my money on door dash!
It’s gonna be a tough journey, but I can do this!
It sounds like you are already doing this!
Congrats and good luck!
I know you’re a stranger, but I get the keys to the apartment in about an hour!!!
I want to tell everyone, but I have nobody to tell. I’m FINALLY going to have a home to go home to.
Well, this stranger is happy for you! Here’s to a much happier and healthier future.
Yep. I didn’t feel this way for a long time, then realised it was because I was married to the wrong woman. She was heavily influencing the sort of man I was outwardly portraying, and it always felt like I was wearing a badly-made suit.
After the end of that marriage, I met my soul mate, and now have two wonderful stepkids and an incredible daughter. We’ve now been together for a little over 11 years, and I’m still amazed at how lucky I am. My family gives me purpose and meaning, every day.
After that, nothing else matters.
Absolutely not, no. How should this be possible with all the external responsibilities that need to be fulfilled in order to survive in a modern-day society?
No. Money is why, and a work situation. Also never ever get married if you have even the slightest red flag about them. It’s not worth it.
I know I’m a generous person at heart but I get so few opportunities to show it because of money. It’s infuriating.
You can be generous with your time and empathy and people will tend to remember it more than money. It’s easy to be generous with money when you have it. It’s not as common to be generous with kindness.
I don’t know your work situation to know if you have time to spare (when others are available) but I hope you have time to at least enjoy your own life. Also, not getting married due to red flags is a good reason to not get married. It sucks to not find your a person for yourself but it’s honestly better than dreading going home.
I work 830-9 pm every weekday and generally 10-4 every weekend. I do my best but I really don’t have much time to be generous either. Thanks for your kind words though. I ended up sick this week when it’s my vacation week so I feel even shittier than usual.
That sounds awful. All of it. I hope your work hours are reduced to reasonable at some point soon, and I hope you don’t need to worry about money when that time comes.
Sadly no and no. I actually just got a third job that might end up helping a lot though. Thank you.
By most people’s standards I’m not living well since I’m a little poor / frugal, but I’m happy. My dream as a teenager was to move to the west coast and start a new life. Well, just after I finished high school my dad kicked me out to use my room to start a new business or something and since I was already homeless, I headed out west. That was years ago and I’m now still living here in California with an apartment I love and a job I don’t hate. Not the wealthiest but beats those 3 months I was homeless and living in scraps. I also no longer have the friends I wanted to move here to live with because they ended up being pieces of shit, but I like my roommates and still have internet friends so I’m happy with life.
Removing all the pieces of shit from your life is a great idea for personal wellbeing. I hope you continue to thrive.
No. I would be happy and awesome at doing pretty much any ground level technical work but thanks to corporate greed and inflation I can’t afford to live on what I’d make doing any of those. So I had to take promotions to roles that are more about communicating with a bunch of different people to have them do stuff while fielding questions from leadership about why shit wasn’t done on time. This stresses me the fuck out and leaves me too mentally drained at the end of the day to do any personal projects and I’m still can’t even afford to actually own a home.
More-or-less my wife’s situation. I feel for her and try my best to support her, but she’s miserable every working day for the same reasons as you. Maybe it’s time to grab a new job as an experienced tech or even a consultant?
I’ve looked but haven’t found anything that pays enough. Which in itself is a pain in the ass because no one just says what a position is paying until you go through an application and interview.
Depends. I’m homebound due to an accident and illness several years ago and can’t take part in activities or have a social life like I used to while I feel like I’m getting older and missing out on so much.
But then again I’m very fortunate that I have insurance so that I don’t have to worry about economy and I’m pretty good at making the best of my situation and have projects going so I feel I’m moving forward even though in other directions than before and at a highly reduced pace.
So… It could be better. But it could be so much worse. To be honest, I feel way more thankful for what I’ve got than sadness of what I have not.
My values and dreams have changed a lot since I was a kid. I like the ones I have now, they’re more humane and compassionate.
I think I have an ok life, nothing amazing but I have a stable job, good marketable skills, a loving girlfriend and two cats. I’m not exactly where I want to be but I’m still working on it.
I had a lot of self realisations in the past few years and it made me understand who I was and why I am the way I am. So that’s also great I think.If it’s okay to ask, what changed to your dreams from then?
My first dream was to leave the region I grew up in, which I did. The second was to leave my native country which I did too, but then I had to come back. So it felt a bit like a setback. That’s still one of my goals.
As for dreams that never happened (or didn’t happen yet) one was to live in Singapore for a while and then New Zealand.My first dream was to leave the region I grew up in, which I did. The second was to leave my native country
I get that, I had that exact order of things I wanted to accomplish myself. It was rough, but I feel I’ve made it happen.
but then I had to come back. So it felt a bit like a setback. That’s still one of my goals.
But you went out, that’s an accomplishment. And if you could do it once, you can do it again. If it is harder for some reason now, you’ve had practice, you’ll do it. I believe in you.
No no no
- Well - yes
- Happily - mostly
- Embodying my values and dreams - mostly
How it happened? Mostly by chance. I’m good at what I do and work in the medical industry for a small company that actually strives to help people rather than maximize revenue, and compensates employees very fairly, allowing me to live well and in accordance with my personal values. Nothing is ever 100%, but I’m mostly satisfied really. Of course there are some days where I dream of running a coffee shop in Bali, but that’s just one of those days.
As for the second part, I’ve got a great partner, great friends, and sufficient free time to do what I enjoy. I’m just living in a city I’m not particularly fond of, so that leaves room for improvement.
Ever since I’ve accepted that dystopia is already here, and there’s nothing to avoid it, but we can do everything in our power to create something better. I’m not as afraid, I’m not feeling as powerless as I used to. I’ve learned to seek good council, that helps. Got over wanting to feel or appear important and now rather want to do important work.
How? Got divorced from someone who could not handle their anxiety well, also my child grew up to spend more time with their friends, and so all I was used to disappeared. I had time and opportunity (or was forced) to re-evaluate my life choices - because the unhealthy imbalance in my former relationship mirrored the unsettling imbalance of the world in crisis in some eerie way. It was as if I was shown the workings of abuse and then forced to apply my learning onto the world and my position in it. I went through months of doubt and confusion. With support of my wonderful bf who I met on the way I managed to come out a better and more happy person on the other side, it was a very wild ride.
This or similar seems to have happened to a lot of people recently.
Im pretty happy but due to ADHD im never really satisfied with what i have currently in a sense.
I’m very grateful for my job, my current living situation and my partner but im always looking forward to new projects and stuff that i wanna do. I finish one thing and i really like that and then i move onto the next thing cause i feel like i have to. Just cant sit still for too long.
How it happened is i just got lucky. I got a good family that helped me with a place to live, my buddy helped me get my current job in an IT adjacent position, and i met my gf on tinder when she was just about to leave the app for good.
So yea, just kinda got lucky. I do work hard too and struggled alot with ADHD and other mental health issues before getting diagnosed so im glad things worked out eventually.
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Understandable.
It’s not a waste of time, you live once, you die forever, once dead, you will have all the time you have lost in life. Anyway, even if this life sucks… it’s the only thing we have to feel, often we fall on depressions but normally people that is able to be online posting here, they are often better than 90% of the people on the world, you probably have food and everything you need, and you can do much more or much less as you please. Bad feelings/depression often blind ourselves, so be happy and motivated even if you are depressed, those bad and good feelings are just like leaves moving by wind, they come and go as they please. Often our depression and lack of happiness is caused by our gens and survival instinct.
Wow, thanks, I’m cured! 🙄
Cured and very funny.
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Nope, just saying other people has less, and they can be as happy as anyone. What I want to say is that most of the depressions is mental, happiness is proven than it’s 45% genetics or like that, I don’t remember now, but the difference between someone happy and someone who gets depressed often are mostly the genetics.
So what I am saying is, there are people that has less than you, and they have fun and are happy.
EDIT:
Telling me I’m not allowed to feel sad etc because others have it worse?
Never said that, but go angry mode. Go. I said we need to deal with our sadness.
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You are just talking like mad, being rude. I never said there is a cure. LMAO I suppose you really have an issue to enjoy your life, I’m sorry…
Biggest thing I did to go from feeling like shit to actually feeling engaged was getting involved with my union. Life is so much more satisfying when you do something that matters, and when the existing union leadership who have been largely useless described me as “trouble” I felt validated lol.
Even if your union is running well they pretty much can always use an extra set of hands, so step up!
