I recently moved to the USA, from the middle east. My English is pretty good, and I don’t have a lot of trouble communicating with people at work or in stores. I also don’t know anyone here at all, outside of work. All my family is still back in Gaza, and I’ve been here over a year now, and still feel cut off from American people and culture.
How do you make friends and socialize here? How do I learn more about America and Americans culture? I know a bit about history, but not much about anything else.
I don’t drink or go to bars, for religious reasons. I have joined a couple of clubs based on hobbies, but still feel disconnected. I’m not sure how you socialize or meet new people here, in my family everyone came around your house all the times of the day, and here it seems like neighbors just stick to themselves. I don’t want to bug people or anoy them if that is not the customs here.
Also, what are your favorite parts of American culture and history? So far I have enjoyed Nascar and monster trucks very much, and studying mathematics.
You mentioned you joined a few clubs. I would say focus on that. As long as you’re going out to the same social place every day and doing some activities, you’ll be bound to meet friends.
Yes, I have been in a few clubs for about a year, but it seems like people just show up for the meeting an activities, and then leave. It’s not what I am used to, where a small thung turns into many days and many people coming by to talk, trade stories… do you talk to the people you meet outside of a group of people? I do not what impose or be rude to people if that is not what is normal here.
In my experience, it takes months or even years of being in the same orbit of some people to actually become friends with them. It usually starts with meeting for coffee after an event, or some other time that works for both of you. I’m in the PNW (Pacific Northwest), so coffee is our go to. Just keep showing up, make sure you strike up conversations with people, and when it feels right ask them to swap contact info with you.
The PNW is the hardest place I’ve ever lived to make friends. The weather certainly doesn’t help. The Seattle Freeze is real.
The American social fabric is very damaged. As a result of focusing on isolation, the suburban lifestyle prevents most Americans from being communally minded.
The only places that Americans mix with other people tend to be:
- Work
- School
- Bars
- Church
- Social clubs
School is where most people make their lasting friendships, otherwise work is far and away the most common of the other 4.
In my experience social clubs are the easiest place to approach someone you don’t know, second only to church… but most Americans are task oriented thinking only about completion of their “task” at whatever function they attend. (I’m here to play soccer, after the soccer game my task is complete so I’m leaving).
Small towns sometimes have friendlier and more approachable people but generally will be fairly insular and suspicious of outsiders… not to mention the drama that tends to fester in those little pockets.
All of which is to say: socializing in America is a complete mess and it’s mostly driven by echoes of the cold war paranoia/white flight/sensationalist crime obsessed news that gutted our cities and made everyone suspicious of each other.
I think this is a major culture difference between your home country and US. What you describe is not how people in America socialize. The closest comparison would be college years, where you live in a small walkable town, typically with roommates, and don’t have too many responsibilities. If you want to recreate that then I’d recommend grad school. Or move to Chicago or ny city or small college town. The suburbs is generally where people move to focus on work and family, social lives change to be more around family, neighbors, and their kids school. It will be hard for a young person to make friends there. East coast has a bit more social culture than the rest of the US but it really depends city to city. West coast everyone is nice and relaxed but socially cliquey, it can be impossible to break into a friend group. Midwest everyone is nice but social events are more in the home over meals, more of a family vibe.
I have been looking at some grad schools, to maybe end up with a PhD in mathematics.
Usually you don’t just approach strangers and start talking, unless you’re in a bar or a social club. That can be perceived as weird here. Although , you can have varying degrees of success with it depending on how attractive you are (I know, the world is unfair).
Have you considered joining something like the Rotary Club, or the Fraternal Order of the Eagles? Those types of groups are all about fraternization and accomplishing goals together.
Chicago is a big baseball town. You could learn about baseball and go to a game. You probably won’t meet anyone at a game, but it’ll get you pumped up about the sport. Baseball is pretty boring until you attend a game. Once you’ve been to the ballpark and felt the energy, the game will suddenly click for you. Then get yourself a Cubs hat and start going to a sports bar on game nights. It’s completely appropriate and common to talk to people there. Cheer together about the game. Complain loudly about the umpire, and bond with your fellow fans. After attending a few times you’ll start to recognize people who show up regularly. They won’t all drink, btw, so that doesn’t need to be a concern. You can exchange contact information with people you get along with. Heck, find a decent sized group of friends there and offer to be a designated driver. That will immediately earn you some popularity points and people will be calling you every week to see if you want to carpool to the game.
Hmm, I have not been to a baseball game yet, I may try this.
I’ve lived here my whole life, and I have no idea how to meet new people.
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If you figure it out, let us know. My kids keep asking me the same thing. I dont know how to do that now because things have changed so much since I was young and meeting people.
It is very sad for me too see this. America was always held up as an example to me, as a giant melting pot of different cultures and classes, where women and queer and minority people and everyone could be friends alongside everyone. I don’t know what changed , or if that was just a dream. It seems like people just stick with the people and cultures they know and grew up with here, for the most part. Still much better rights for me than in Gaza, maybe it just " grass is perfect on the other side of fence, until you get there." kind of thing.
There has been a decline in third places. There was a decline before the pandemic but the pandemic made it worse. Here’s an article about the decline in America specifically and the newer ways people are trying to connect. It won’t help you make more friends, but will help get perspective of one of the reasons things have changed.
It used to be like that. The last 25 years have changed this country drastically, and not for the better. It’s been really sad to watch this great nation crumble from the inside out.
Parks, bars, book stores, stores that cater to your hobbies, and staying with events until the introverts are more confortable talking.
If you’re hobby can be done alone and people are going to meet ups, then they’re hoping for connections, too. They may just want to make sure you’re not a random.
Coffee can take the place of alcohol as a adjusted experience, if that works for you.
Chicago, IL is going to be a lot more segregated than somewhere in California, or Southern Texas. There are so many mixed ethnicities that it becomes a non-issue and everyone blends together. It’s less prevalent as you move further north, since Caucasian becomes a heavy majority and there are far fewer groups of other ethnicities.
You fell for the propaganda
Edit: the melting pot analogy is accurate, if you picture the rich turning up the temperature and stirring the pot…
Maybe you fell for the propaganda. My friends group consists of native Americans, Eastern Indians, BPOC, Mexicans, Chinese, SE Asians, and Caucasian.
There are plenty of ways the “melting pot” is true, but to picture the US as some utopia where everyone is welcomed instantly, is naive as hell. Why do you think there were so many hateful actions towards asian americans when covid hit? People suck
If you are not aware, the Gaza strip is an active warzone between terrorists on Israeli and Palestinian side, with my native people caught in the middle.
Yes people suck, but even a land with some rude people and casual racism can be held up as an example of people trying to work together.
Based on your other comments, it’s clear that your view of the world is based on the path you have walked so far, and the narrow stretch of ground you have tread on. Maybe your rich overlords hid the existence of the rest of the world from you, but some of us have been living there.
Fortunately, you have many more steps left to walk, and time to consider the ground your neighbors have been walking on as well. Go, walk with empathy, watch the world and judge it with kindness, and build your heart with room for others in it.
They are letting the idea of perfection be the enemy of betterment.
It’s reality. Do i wish everyone was welcomed openly, yes, but until that happens, perfection or betterment are both still just ideas
It is very funny to me when young Americans complain about rich people. Almost all of you have a few solid meals a day, often hot food with meat. You have clean water all over the place, and you can even waste it to flush toilets and make fountains. You drive expensive cars, ( yes, even the ones you call cheap,) buy new phones and computers. And then you complain that your air conditioned apartment could be a mansion, that your car could be a Ferrari, that your stable, clean job of sitting at a computer could just be you sitting at home. That you college degree you bought cost too much, and no one told you it took money to get fair treatment. All because those rich people above you don’t care about you and just want to make money for themselves. So far this is the main thing I do not like about the USA.
I didn’t choose to be born in the US. Just because other countries have it worse doesn’t mean we can’t complain about how the corporations of this society are systematically strangling the paycheck to paycheck workers that essentially run this country. They keep us divided, angry at each other and focused on minor issues instead of working to help the starving/mistreated in the US
I’m not saying you are evil or uncaring. You just don’t have and sense of how rich you are, and how much closer you are to billionaires that you think. Yes, money wise you don’t have a billion dollars, I know. But most lower middle class people in the US would be considered top 2 percent in areas with actual poverty. Even in the phase paycheck to paycheck, it’s implied that you know your paycheck will be enough to buy some very basic food and shelter, and that there is basic food and shelter to buy at all.
Think about a city of millions of people, where the vast majority of them live like your homeless people do, in makeshift shelters and harsh weather. Not sure if the city block they live on will be there when they get back at night, or if the tiny amount of money they earn will hod any value to a farmer, of if the farmer will even have any food. Then picture a handful of American houses there, and ask if they are “middle class”. I know things could be better for you, but things could be better for billionaires too, And I bet you laugh at them if they complain their private jet is to small.
Ok and? Should i not say that the US is designed to isolate people and is not the land of the “American Dream” that you clearly wanted it to be? How do these
opinionsexperiences of yours change the point i am making?You are saying that all the evil and exploitation in America comes from the rich. My friend, by the standards of the world in general, you are the rich. What are doing to help the poor, and why do you expect the few richer than you to care more about you, than you care about my family in Gaza? Do you not think that your " rich overlords" say" yes and, so what" to your issues?
You want to fix America? I see two lessons from my life. “Eat the rich”, as you say, but not as a online joke or a metaphor. Messy and unstable, but if you survive you can be as rich as you want.
Or, you can use the wealth you have to build something better. Why do you play the game of isolation if you hate it? Are you the only one feeling isolated within an hour of you? Do you truly think that everything you buy is the minimum, or that the luxury you have is worth nothing?
Well said.
Where in the country did you move to? The US is really big, and things change depending one what region you go to.
I’m in a suburb of Chicago Illinois now.
I can’t speak for Chicago in particular, but the suburbs of any major city tend to be fairly isolated. You said you don’t drink, but I still might suggest going to bars anyway, since that’s where most socializing happens. Look for a barcade in your area perhaps, sometimes they host trivia nights and that can be a great way to meet people, even if you’re sober.
Not sure which suburb you’re in, but going indoor rock climbing opens up a lot of opportunities. They have group climbing, lessons, and sign up sheets to find partners
Well the suburbs suck so that’s starting with a penalty. They tend to be very isolating.
Look at Meetup or similar for stuff you want to do. Board game clubs, book clubs, hiking, programming.
If you like music, go to shows.
Look up stuff happening in the city. There’s probably museum tours, free classes, free shows, lots of stuff.
Start a YouTube channel explaining household technologies in depth
lol it’s like saying “hello I am new to Asia, how do I make frieds”
Throw a house warming party, with some of your heritage based Cuisine. Invite club members.
Food… … Quickest way to people’s heart…
yes, the digestion process is fairly quick and reliable means of getting to the heart. excellent choice
“That’s the neat part! You don’t!”
Dude I’m 44, I’ve lived here my whole life. When I find an answer, I’ll let you know.
Drinking can be a big part of socializing in the US, but you’ll be able to get by without it. Neighbors don’t come over uninvited here, and it’s unusual to have the type of friendships where people come by unannounced all the time (at least, after college).
I might try a few things:
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If you haven’t already, find a local mosque to attend; that’s a good way to widen your social circle with American Muslims, who may be able to introduce you to more people, broaden it further, etc. It’ll be folks who are more culturally familiar, but many will likely be a bit more integrated already and have a wider group of American friends as well.
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Hobby based clubs are great, but they do tend to be a little transactional – think about hobbies you want to be doing anyway (so you’re not JUST there to meet people).
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If you have the time, I’d be on the lookout for volunteering and community service type activities – it’s a great way to meet good people, more committed than a hobby group, and much less awkward to socialize in than a workplace.
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Depending where you live, try and strike up conversations a bit more openly / frequently, and be willing to mention that you just moved here and don’t know many folks. At the barbershop, out to breakfast, in a long line, at the coffee shop, etc. Make conversation, a lot of people will be happy to chat and some will invite you to things. Just gotta be ok with lots of chats.
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You’ve gotten some good answers already but I’d like to stress a point I haven’t seen mentioned: It’s easiest to make friends during downtime. By which I mean, time you spend with another person doing nothing in particular. Shared activities are not bad, but if they are too engaging (work, sport, even worship) there isn’t time to get bored and find entertainment in conversation, wherein you can discover shared interests and build comeraderie.
You’ll find a lot of Americans formed their closest friendships while in school (usually high school or college). I argue that’s because there is a ton of downtime with your peers in those environments. Try to find similar environments where you are effectively “stuck” with a peer for an hour or more at a time. Hiking clubs are fantastic. Beginner art classes. Book clubs.
Beyond that, don’t be discouraged. Some people will have a hard time getting over their own inhibitions about exposing themselves to new people. And many casual friends will fall by the wayside along the way. That is okay. The ones you keep will be worth it in the end.
There’s a website / app called Meetup and there are local groups in almost every city for strangers to meet up for social events to get to meet new people and make friends.
I used it for a few months after moving to a new city and stopped once I made some personal connections and a friend group.
Yes, meetup is how I found a couple of clubs I am in now. just seems like people show up for activities and then leave without socializing much.
Are you interested in Dungeons and Dragons? Those groups usually end up pretty close-knit. If not, see if there’s a board gaming store near you that hosts gaming nights. Anything where you talk to the other participants a lot will eventually make you a friend or two. Or a book club might work too.
I have not played that yet, it is like a board game version of a RPG, right? I may try it out.
Yeah. Dungeons and Dragons, Fate, and other tabletop RPGs can be a lot of fun. There are many different games with different settings - science fiction ones, modern, future, past, imaginary past, etc.
Game stores can be nerdy and cliquey, but they can also be friendly and inclusive. Try a few, many have ways to job you up with a gaming crew.
Yes, it’s a paper and pencil RPG, the OG one. It’s a really fun game if you can let yourself be silly for a few hours per week.
Try inviting a neighbor that you say hi to often over for a BBQ. Then BBQ up some food and serve them beers (you don’t need to drink). Or invite them for dinner and make some food from your cuisine that’s extra tasty. Basically you’ll need to put yourself out there and risk being rejected. Initiate get-togethers.
You said you don’t drink for religious reasons. Have you been going to church? That’s usually a pretty good place to meet people. Attend some church functions.
I am going to a mosque, but even there it is very different to the mosque and culture I grew up with. Very somber and quiet.
Ah, yeah Americans tend to take actual worship service pretty seriously, but most churches have extracurricular functions where people hang out. Some of the better ones will have functions right after church, like lunch or whatever. I have a couple of Muslim friends and their mosques definitely get together for social functions outside of worship service (or whatever you guys call it). They’re in the south though, or I’d recommend their mosque to you. Check with your Imam and see if they hold any social gatherings you can participate in. At a minimum I would think they’d have some volunteer opportunities to participate in.
A hobby is a great way : if you have the time, energy and enjoy new things I’d really recommend social dancing. I’ve done salsa and swing classes and social nights, and found it very useful to build a nice group of people who get together for a not-so-intense hobby. They’re generally out in a public space, they get you moving, and don’t require intense socialisation all the time ( you’re more focused on the dance). A social generally has people of all degrees of dancing expertise. You get to chat with people you’d otherwise never cross paths with. Sometimes there’s live music too!
I have not considered dancing, I may look into that.
In some cities, there are other places where you can accomplish some of the socializing that happens in bars, without being in a bar or around alcohol at all. In older towns and cities you can often find breakfast places and cafés that don’t mind if you stay a while longer than it takes to eat a meal or drink coffee, and where customers at bar-style seating or outdoor tables often are interested in striking up a conversation with strangers.
It makes so much difference if you gravitate toward old cities and towns, and away from suburbs, especially modern suburbs (and their accompanying shopping and entertainment districts) built in the 80s or later. The latter tend to be completely, totally oriented toward the isolated and car-dependent lifestyle. Older, much longer established communities are more messy and sometimes even dysfunctional, yet they usually have some places where people actually meet and interact.
Where in the US? Think of the US as 50 countries In a trenchcoat. Socializing in Arizona is different from Washington or Georgia.
Haha, socializing in WA… that doesn’t happen here.
I have no life.
Yep. Everyone in WA everyone is just trying to get out of the rain.
