I used to be good at time management and very motivated in my career. Then about two years ago I lost a close friend over a strong disagreement and then lost my job.
Slowly but surely I became a bit depressed and had some physical health issues. I’m seeing a therapist already, and a few months ago I finally managed to get a plebe job at a retailer, but when it comes to doing my personal work that would open doors in my industry I just can’t seem to find the time and motivation to do it.
Don’t get me wrong. I got plenty of time available, I just find myself being ridiculously avoidant or distracted or tired, you get the idea. And, no, I don’t use social media much, I don’t videogame or binge shows. I just get distracted with house chores or simply overthinking.
I’ve already tried lists, planning and goal setting ( all this comes naturally to me), but it makes no difference.
I’ve tried reducing the expectations and goals, no difference. I still don’t do anything.
I tried apps to keep track of my progress; also useless.
I’ve even considered finding a life coach, but I get the feeling they’re a scam. Unfortunately I don’t have any friends or relatives that can help me stay on track with my goals.
TLDR I’m getting a bit desperate here. Any suggestions welcome. Thanks.
They only advice I can give you is there is no trick or fix. You are going to fail and that is okay. You have to think of it like a muscle. You don’t start with 600 lbs weights. You start at like a 6 lbs weights and work your muscles up.
Building focus is the same way create very small goals maybe it’s write one paragraph of your resume then stop. You built up your motivation muscle just a little bit.Then when that becomes a habit add more goals and maybe bigger goals as you go along.
The biggest issue I find is people make goals around results and sometimes those results are not in your control. So people think they failed their goal and got discouraged but framing your goals about what you are doing keeps you going. As you celebrate the accomplishment of the journey of doing not achieving as that is just a byproduct of what you are doing.
Muscle*
Can one of our available scientists please confirm how much lbs a mussle can bench-press?
Perhaps it’s not procrastinating, but instead it’s executive dysfunction. Or not but from someone who has really bad executive dysfunction, that kinda sounds like it.
Perhaps talk to your therapist about that, and perhaps some research as lots of times people with executive dysfunction think it’s just procrastination which are two separate things.
I’ll look into this as I’m not familiar with it. Cheers
I’m sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but I’ll give my perspective anyway.
Why do you care about getting “back in your industry/career”? Yeah you did it previously, but is it really what makes you happy?
When you have goals, you always think “once I reach this, everything will be better”. In my experience and with everyone I ever talked with, this was never the lasting case. Reaching some nice goal gave satisfaction for days or sometimes even weeks or months, but never longer. Then it was back to dissatisfaction and another goal.
The common path frequently described out of depression is getting back into the groove of setting goals, following them, not being satisfied, setting another goal, repeat. This is not how I got out of my depression and also not a good life.
I don’t think it’s important that you reach your goal of getting back in your industry or whatever. I think it’s important that you’re fine with not reaching it. I think it’s important to recognize that you can be happy and satisfied right where you are, exactly with what you have.
Fair take.
Don’t sabotage Slef. He’s a good dude, who’s had a hard life.
In all seriousness, though, I’d love an answer to this as well. It’s hard once you find yourself in a cycle of procrastination. You get used to allowing yourself to put things off, and it makes it harder to get back into the habit of doing them right when you should.
A few things that help me:
Do it right now. Remember that you left that important thing in the car? Haul your ass out there and get it now, because it gets trampled under foot and lost. Eat a bowl of cereal? Wash the bowl now, not later. Later doesn’t ever get here. There’s always more later when you think later is going to be.
Meditation. Try it. If nothing else, you get a nice little break from whatever your normal routine is, which in itself can help you shake things up. 5 minutes of deep breathing and focus can do wonders. I’m not great at meditating, and sometimes I wonder if I’m even actually doing it, but 5 minutes of breathing is better than not doing 5 minutes of breathing.
Set really small goals. Like, ridiculously sillily small goals. Goals you’d set for a small child. It will feel silly, and childish, and you maybe will feel embarrassed about it, but “I will brush my teeth” or “I will clean that dish” or “I will wash my face”
They’re things you’re going to do anyway, but turning them into a goal gives you a sense of accomplishment, and allows you to get into a habit of completing goals. Gradually increase the goals, and gamify life. It makes you feel accomplished, gives you a sense of progression, and helps to set a pattern you can use going forward.
I hope these things help, or that you find something that does.
To some extent I’m already doing some of these things and it’s not hard to do house chores and personal hygiene (fortunately. I guess one can always get worse). My problem is specific to one area (career) and everything ties into it.
I’ll try the meditation. I’m not convinced though. If you have any recommendations, shoot them. I used to do meditation for a while years ago and it felt like a waste of time, but, I’ll admit back then I had none of these problems.
When I went back to college with a new baby, a 2 year old and at times being the sole income for my family, I attended the free yoga courses offered at the school and found that was incredible for managing the stress I knew I had and the stress I didn’t realize I was carrying with me. Plus you can approach yoga as “improving your flexibility” in addition to stress management
if it feels like a waste of time then you have done it for long enough. put on some light music, relax on the couch, and make yourself comfortable. the time will pass anyways and the laundry can wait 30 minutes
The small goals part isn’t about setting goals you currently need in addition to what you’re already doing. It’s about setting goals you know you can reach with minimal or no effort. By doing that, you create a pattern of “winning,” of achieving. It can help translate into other areas by tricking your brain into wanting to set more and more goals.
And career specifically is a tough one. Hygiene and food and shelter is all natural to us, but going out and working in an office or for a boss isn’t the natural state of the human animal. It’s something cultural we created for ourselves, and as such it can be a harder area to push yourself into in a lot of ways. It takes a different part of the brain, y’know?
Depression’s a helluva drug, and it can make everything seem terribly difficult, but when it finds one area to really fuck you in, it can be so horrible to find any motivation. Especially in those areas that are outside of our evolutionary instincts. Have you considered speaking with a professional about medication? The meditation and the gamifying and such have helped me some, at the advice of a shrink, but medication is what got me through my early 20s. I’d be dead today without it.
one must be careful not to sabotage the slef. it will become very angry
one cannot reason with the slef, the slef merely knows what it does and charges through all obstacles before it, like the single-minded demented humunculus it is
slef is the mind killer
Separate your main goals into a list of more manageable tasks, arrange them by orders/priorities/delendencies and try to set a reasonable due date on the first tasks, but don’t push yourself too hard or you’ll get discouraged. It’s also okay to have some downtimes.
Is it possible you burnt out at your old job? That takes years to recover from properly and takes a lot of radical self acceptance and being okay with rest
I did unfortunately and only realised when it was too late. Where did you get this information about the years to recover?
I originally came across that idea from someone on TikTok who was studying burnout for their doctorate. But I can’t find them now. The closest I could find for you in terms of a citation was this:
Evidence suggests that [burnout] has relatively high stability over time, with studies showing that physicians who score high on burnout assessment at one point in time tend to continue to do so at subsequent points, at least up to about 3 years.
Edit: I’ll say that in my experience, this timeline is for full recovery, not for reaching the point where you can sustainably work again. One thing I got told that helped me was to plan out in detail what I think my daily schedule would look like outside of burnout and pick one thing to focus on starting to do 5 minutes at a time. And that looked like me literally quitting halfway through cooking instead of pushing myself to finish sometimes. The exhaustion is real but if you don’t have any other major mental health factors (like if you’re in your early 20s and this is your first major autistic burnout for example) then getting back to where you were is realistic.
That sounds interesting but I’m not sure I’m understanding what you did. What do you mean by “daily schedule outside of burnout” ? You mean everything else you need to do except the activity that causes burnout? Or am I getting it wrong, and everything caused you burnout meaning you couldn’t do more than 5 minutes of anything? I you can clarify I’d appreciate it, if sounds like something I could try for myself as well.
Like in the early stages of burnout for me, even getting up off the couch to go to the bathroom was a struggle. And for me, this was my first big autistic burnout, which meant that I needed to reorient my relationship to work, play, and self-care to make sure I was doing all of them in a sustainable way. But in the beginning, that meant if I couldn’t do more than 5 minutes of a task, I wouldn’t beat myself up. But starting with that 5 minutes was a way for me to push myself just a little. Because the normal advice is “let yourself relax” and that advice just didn’t work for me. For one, I didn’t have the support to be unemployed for long periods of time. And for two, being depressed and laying immobile on the couch wasn’t relaxing in the first placed. I was just stressed while appearing relaxed. So getting back to doing things was my way out. And so I built up a tolerance for that and slowly built up the ability to do things sustainably while also pushing through the burnout to survive, which made it last longer. But eventually the sustainable stuff won out. I rest more than I used to and have a better relationship with breaks and self care but I’m working full time in my field again and pursuing betterment both in and outside of work. That said, I work in a job where I can flex my hours and take the breaks I need pretty much at will as long as I let my coworkers know and get my work done. I’m aware I’m very lucky to be able to do this and that it’s not a universal solution. But I’m just trying to be as honest as possible about my experience.
I really appreciate it, thanks for sharing. I feel identified with some of what you’ve described, you give me hope.
Best of luck. It’s slow but you’ll get there
This is depression. Right now, it is no one’s job to worry about your effectiveness in performance and absolutely not to pass judgement on yourself for those considerations. It is your job to work with your therapist, heal, and self empathize. Try to remember that depression is not something you have but something you lack. Depression usually presents as a lack of motivation. So, focus on you and fuck anyone EVERYONE who says otherwise. If it needs to then productivity will come. And if not, who cares?! You do you cuz!
Okay, how do I focus on me? I’m trying to, I’ve signed up for some activities, I sometimes turn down work shifts if I feel tired or just not in the mood. But I’m still missing the motivation
do things that bring you joy! hobbies, especially those from your childhood, are perfect for this
dont ask me man im fucked
Virtual hugs, man, I know it’s horrible
I’ve even considered finding a life coach, but I get the feeling they’re a scam.
Yes, I agree.
But it sounds like you’re experiencing depression. I’ve been through a lot of that. Consider seeing a psychiatrist and getting on an antidepressant. I was in denial about my state for months (because admitting it would make it real) and finally got back on an antidepressant after years without. The change was so profound that I wish I’d done so sooner to spare myself the suffering. I wish you the best!
Thanks, though the professionals I’ve seen recommended against medication.
My mum’s a child psychotherapist, from her perspective medication aught not to be the first thing people jump at, but it very much has it’s place; an example being children with ADHD who literally cannot sit down to the point of them getting distressed, actually being able to sit down and engage with therapy after starting medication. Similar things with anxiety and depression, if anxiety holds you back from opening up and personal thoughts and feelings then medication can enable that for therapeutic work to begin.
The bigger issue she has is when people (often parents) only want the medication but don’t want to try and engage with the therapy.
Just something to think about
Sounds like you’re still working through depression to me. Be kind to yourself, give yourself time to heal and work through things, I’m glad you’ve found a therapist that’s a great step. Do you think you want to go back to the industry or could you be avoiding it subconsciously? Something that has helped me a lot is journaling, you can wipe down your goals and break them down into smaller goals if needed.
I know I want to go back, what I’m not sure about is the precise reason behind the avoidance. Because I am absolutely avoiding it.
Something to talk to your therapist about maybe. Definitely focus on yourself as your priority though. Do things which make you happy, exercise, seeing friends / family, spending time outside.
This is the main reason I’m going to therapy, of course this is in the menu
yeah life coaches are unregulated and therefore extremely likely to be a scam or some earnest wanker who will make you worse with bad advice like manifesting, bootstraps mentality, or other impossible bullshit.
My favourite peep show episode is when Jeremy the “life coach” lives with a client and sleeps on the floor in a garbage bag.
What do you give a shit about?
Sometimes finding anything to care about when you are depressed, but if/when you find something you care about beyond feeling better, you should really think about why, and if it’s healthy, lean into it.
Some people care about creating, some about building, some discover, service to others, analysis, working with their hands, being in nature. What do you gravitate towards? Some people go down a path they don’t care about, because of external pressures, or comfort, or just trying to get by.
If you don’t care to advance the career you are in, maybe it’s time to think about why.
I trust that if you know yourself enough to admit in words on the internet that you aren’t helping yourself, you are damn self aware enough to think about these things. Don’t worry about the stress of changing careers or losing progress or what other people think. Just figure out what you might care about, which paths you could see yourself going down, and mentally explore those and see what you give a shit about. Find some intersection between stuff you give a shit about and what is productive, and motivation comes. Motivation is a by-product, a secondary effect, of having something motivating to work on.
This will sound dumb, but I’m saying it sincerely.
I’ve had similar issues (without getting into details), but what worked for me was getting outside a couple times a week. By that I mean bringing a tent or hammock + tarp and sleeping outside a couple nights a week on workdays.
To be specific: I sleep outside Monday-Tuesday and Wednesday-Thursday. On those days I also make my dinner at my campsite. What I’ve found is that my brain goes into a much more “primal” state of “monke outside in cold, monke get shit done”, and that it propagates into my day and week.
The barrier to this is of course actually going outside, but I’ve been able to get to a place where I have a “deal with myself” about those two nights a week. I always have my pack ready, so it’s just about grabbing it and heading out- I think that’s key.
I’m not saying this is a solution for everyone, but it’s done wonders for me. As of now, I get restless and feel bad if I’m in a situation where I can’t get outside at least once a week. It brings me a peace of mind and will to get stuff done that nothing else can.
Thanks for sharing, it’s an unusual take. This doesn’t work for me for a variety of reasons but gives me food for thought.
this sounds absolutely wonderful. I need to go camping alone sometime.
Can you do something different for your career? Seems like you hate it.
